So it is currently -13 degrees where I am, and I have never appreciated modern-day heating systems so much. It's the kind of frigid, bitter cold that when you accidentally kick a piece of ice on the ground, the sound it makes is more like slate sliding on glass than anything else. It's the kind of cold that makes your 2 year old car sound like a 20 year old car, and starting it well in advance of going anywhere, a necessity.
It is also currently 3:30 in the morning and I am watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a phenomenal movie. The book, which came first, is also great. I know many tried-and-true POBAW (not sure if it's become popularly abbreviated into an acronym yet but whatever) fans would chastise me for saying this, but I can't decide which one I like more. The book is, well, the book, and it is truly great. There an abundance of things in it than I relate to veritably. And obviously, it provides more context too. But I much prefer how "Charlie," the main character, is portrayed in the movie. I don't know, he's just more of what you want him to be, so put it simply.
Emma Watson is in the movie as well, so that factors into things quite a bit. Maintaining my commitment to transparency, she is the only celebrity or famous person I have, and ever have had an obsession with. And when I say obsession, I don't mean "research everything about her and make collages of her face to put on my bedroom ceiling" obsessed. I mean more "extreme adoration and attraction" obsessed. But in any regard, she is incredible. If you don't agree, I command you to stop reading this instant!
Seriously though...stop right now.
The first time I saw her I was on my way out to have a cigarette, and she was at the top of the stairs of my friend's lofted apartment. It was one of those parties where nobody is there, and then all of the sudden everyone is there. The stairs were heavily congested, dense with people, like some sort of "stair traffic," and she was noticeably overwhelmed.
By this point, I had consumed a respectable amount of alcohol (the party was endearingly coined, "the formal 40's," dictating that everyone come in dress attire and drink only 40's. Awesome, I know). Anyway, I was feeling pretty pot-valiant at the time, and for some reason, looking at her was making me smile. I'm not quite sure why though, other than possibly the volume of spirits I had consumed, but in any case, it was presumably pretty obvious.
"Hello there. My name is Brandon." I said, trying to smile like a normal person would when introducing themselves.
She looked surprised, but smiled back. "Hi there, I'm J." (for privacy's sake)
"You look a little overwhelmed." I said, still smiling at her. At this point, it was more of a smirk.
"Yeah," she seemed even more surprised that I would notice such a thing. "I am a little, actually. Just lots of people right now. I'll get over it." she stated plainly, moving the pretty brown hair in front on her cute, hypsterish glasses aside.
I wanted to respond with something clever, but I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she was. She really was gorgeous. And I was stuck in a brief, intoxicated trance. All I could seem to say back was, "Well, you are terribly pretty J." For some reason it just felt right to say.
She blushed, smiling again. "Why thank you."
Chuckling, I placed my hand on her shoulder and said, "you're welcome." And with a now fruitcake-like smirk on, I waltzed down the stairs.
And that was that, and I had my cigarette.
Later on, I approached her again and we talked some more, reprising our conversation from earlier. I'll spare you the details, but frankly it was just a bunch of nominal small talk (which I hate, but can't figure out how to successfully avoid when talking to a girl for the first time). Eventually I handed her my phone, and told her to enter her number in it. She obliged, and I went on my merry way, saying goodbye to her and everyone else I knew at the party.
Before I left though, I told her that I wanted the chance to see her again, and would "be sad if I didn't." In my overly pensive, hyper-analytical way, I immediately questioned whether or not this was the right thing to say, or if maybe I should have used the word "disappointed" or "bummed," instead of "sad."
Maybe "sad" was too much!
At this point I was experiencing a miniature, inter-cerebral anxiety attack over the fact that I couldn't revise what I had said. It was out there in existence, for her brain and mine to remember as long as they so chose, and for her to interpret as she would.
I made a hasty mental note to temper my thoughts, and redirected my attention from the blurry, unfocused little space in front of her eyes that I had been staring at during my little episode, to her eyes themselves. In consolation, she assured me that we would do something as soon as she was able to.
I smiled (again), and said, "Wonderful. Goodbye for now then J."
We've been talking sporadically since then, and she's been seeming less and less interested in the idea of hanging out with each time we chat. Now, I want to clear the air. This isn't me lamenting. I don't get woeful that easily. But, it isn't the first time it's happened before. Actually, it's happened quite a bit recently - girls seeming greatly interested at first, then gradually (or abruptly) less so, until eventually I stop talking to them, or vice versa.
It's not this really discouraging, sad thing though, that's the thing. It's just confusing as hell (okay, maybe it's a little sad). But what's most bewildering is the fact that they're "interest," whether communicated or tacit, seems so incredibly genuine upon meeting them, that the idea of them not actually wanting to hang out, seriously seems ludicrous. And I don't say that arrogantly.
I feel like I'm a fairly good judge of sincerity, and it's normally pretty easy for me to sniff out insincerity. So for me to not sense any upon meeting them, and then have these things happen all the time where nothing materializes, is just confusing. And it all makes me very anxious and sometimes, even insecure, if I'm being honest. And naturally, of course it makes me question things. Were they completely lying about wanting to hang out? If so, who does that?? Were they just trying to be really nice, in not bluntly declining me in person? Or were they just interested in me at first, and now they think I'm boring or weird or whatever? Do I intimidate them?
What makes them so hesitant? What are their reasons for just discontinuing communication all of the sudden?
And is it a distinct choice, or do they just never really care?
__________________________
I never have any clue as to what it is, nor any way of actually knowing, but I get incredibly anxious when I dwell on these things for too long, because they always end up with me just asking myself a bunch of questions that I can't answer, which seems to only exacerbate things. I'm not sure if anyone else thinks like this, only because I don't know anyone else that does, but what I do know is that I need to not let these type of things bother me so much. And maybe I need to stop trying to find someone so damn hard. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone right now. Or maybe God wants me to experience something that I couldn't if I were with somebody. Maybe a relationship would just be a distraction from far more important things right now. I don't know, I'm just spit-balling.
But have you ever noticed (this is primarily intended for guys) that when you're not looking for anything at all, or you're already in a relationship, it's as if any and every girl you have ever, or would ever, take an interest in is practically busting down your front door to see you? And then, as soon as you're single or you start to show a reciprocal interest in them, they avoid you like the plague.
I'm being exaggerative obviously. But I think I know why this is. Romantics, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. Realists, probably not. I think, it's because sometimes we like the idea of something (or someone) more than the actual thing. The concept we create for something in our minds becomes more appealing than the real thing itself, and it becomes the measuring rod we use to judge the real thing by. And if a person (or, "the real thing") doesn't live up to this idealistic concept, or set of expectations we've created - and most of the time they don't - they become boringly dull, and eventually, we stop "wasting our time" with them. And it's strange, and I might never understand it, but I know I do it too.
And then I thought about all the girls I've shown interest in at first, then gradually just stopped talking to. There were a lot. And it made me feel terrible. Like some huge, hypocritical ass.
Then I started to wonder, what is it that makes me do that very same thing to girls, that they've done to me recently? Why do I stop talking to them? Because it's certainly not a choice. It's multiple. To not respond to this text, or lie about not being free that day. To not elaborate on this answer, or not respond truthfully to that question. Whatever it is, they're choices I make.
And whether conscious, or subconscious, they are untenable. I have no legitimate reason behind why I've stopped talking to certain girls in the past, other than maybe apathy, and I certainly wouldn't consider that a legitimate reason. Maybe I should be giving people the benefit of the doubt more often, before judging their reasons for doing things. Things that I've also done. Because then I'm just incriminating myself if I judge them, aren't I?
And it all makes me wonder, is there anything any of us can rightfully judge someone on that we haven't at some point been guilty of ourselves?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no, there's not, and we never deserve to. Because we don't know what kind of place a person is in when they do something that hurts us. Maybe they too were hurting when they did it. Maybe the pain they're carrying now, they've been carrying for a while. Ever since they could remember. Maybe they're just always carrying it. And maybe, they've tried not letting it effect the way that they treat people, and nothing's seemed to work for them. And maybe if someone doesn't consciously choose to put an end to it, this "pain" will just keep being continually redirected to people that don't deserve it.
I certainly don't have all the answers, or even some of them. But what I do know, is that that's not cycle I want to help perpetuate...
Yours Truly,
Brandon
No comments:
Post a Comment